pipmer1

Haven't posted here in an age.

Lots of internal stuff going on. Trying to make it all manifest into action.

Actions I've taken, or practical steps

1.   Classes for Texas Master Naturalist
2.   Kitties caught up on appointments
3.   Slow but sure organizing/cleaning of apartment
4.   Sat down and chatted with director, discussing goals and hopes
5.   Updated driver's license
6.   Met goal of working in vet room
7.   Put effort into making home-cooked, nutritious meals
8.  Some writing happening, including articles


I feel like I have a mood disorder, very much mood swings. Feel like I just need some kind of stabilizer to help take the edge off. Might make 1000 percent difference?

Still feel isolated. 

Really need to send my resume to different places, apply for positions. Need a living wage to make ends meet. Need something that allows me to have access to medical care, and re-establish a retirement/savings plan. Those are the two major benefits needed. Others: paid time off (vacations/holidays, sick/family leave).

I've let so many things slip through the cracks, with no one to blame but myself. But I also have to believe that I can get back on track again, and make it better. Or at least go in the right direction, and make it better than it is right now.

 So I deserve to be heard and to be validated just as much as the next person. I'm not asking for too much; I deserve to thrive in my life as much as the next person. So I keep being tempted to minimize my feelings and frustrations by telling myself to quit whining, to be grateful for what I have, and to shut up already.

But you know what? No. I'm just as human as the next person, which means my feelings and needs are just as valid as everyone else's. Feeling frustrated is not a sense of entitlement; it's the natural progression of being human and experiencing a lack of certain things that are ESSENTIAL for growth and well-being.


So this is me, crying out into the void. If no one is reading, or if I'm invisible, it really doesn't matter. This is me, this is what I'm feeling, and I'm posting about it on my own personal blog.

A happy birthday and best wishes go out to my friend opaljade.  I hope your day was filled with all good things, my dear! Enjoy, and spoil yourself if no one else does it for you :)

Over at tumblr there's a tradition of posting six sentences of a WIP that you are currently working on that hasn't been posted yet. I thought of doing it over here too, because why not? This is my first time doing so, so if you have any comments/thoughts/suggestions please let me know! I always get nervous if I get no comments or no indications that people are actually interested.

This is a bit more than six sentences, from a Sherlock WIP that I am working on:


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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, opaljade!!


I hope that your day is filled with awesomeness and all good things.  Many happy returns, my friend!




Pip 

I just found out about an hour ago that my office is closing here in Grand Rapids. It'll happen sometime between Nov. 1 and the end of the year.

It's not a tragic thing for me, since I've needed for quite some time to make major changes in my life. Without this to kick me in the ass, I may just have coasted forever just because it's easy and I'm a lazy person. I don't have a house payment anymore. Of course, I will miss all the people I've become friends with, and change is always hard. I just leased a brand new car a few weeks ago, but the old car I had was starting to rack up the repair bills anyway. Technically speaking, I do have a roommate who now has a very good full-time job, but I don't really count on that to ease things much since he has a history of not being financially reliable.


Just some good thoughts from you while I catch my breath, I suppose. Thanks in advance!

Just a bit of an update on things.


It occurred to me awhile ago that I haven't been bothered by my OCD in quite some time. Not just *not bothered*.. but actual absence of symptoms. Isn't it funny how I didn't notice the absence right away? It seems that I would have promptly noticed that I wasn't being bothered anymore by something that has given me such grief in the past. I suppose that if something just isn't there anymore, your focus is no longer drawn to *it* but to other things, thereby making its absence less noticeable. I don't even know if I'm making any sense :D

Anyway... it's quite a relief, for now. That's not to say I'm no longer anxious or insecure; in fact, those two things are now thrust into the forefront since my OCD is no longer there to mask it. But I feel like I have some sort of control over those, whereas I felt like such a victim of my OCD. So that's a good thing, I guess.

I can't quite figure out why the change. I'm not on any meds. I was in therapy for awhile, but I haven't been back for quite a few months now. I honestly don't know why. As a scientist, it's a bit unnerving because I would like to think there's some sort of connection somewhere, something that I'm doing or something in my environment that's causing it. I don't like randomness, because that implies lack of control, which i HATE. I'd like to know if it's something I'm doing so that I can *continue* doing it. Otherwise, I'm at the mercy of fate's whims, which makes me very uneasy. I *do* know that I started feeling relief back when I resumed therapy again. But I discontinued that, so... I don't know.


Anyway, please drop me a line, I'd love to hear from you.

I actually posted this as a comment to one of marta_bee's posts, which you can find here: http://marta-bee.livejournal.com/294972.html.  I got a bit carried away with my reply, so I thought I'd go ahead and post my thoughts here as well.  Because I cannot squee enough about this episode.  Before you read any further:  yes, I am aware of its many flaws.  It's not perfect, by any means.  Be that as it may, here is why I loved it so much:

WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS

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My roommate finally has a job, after two years of being unemployed, and four months after running out of said unemployment.


We share a car. MY car, which I pay for everything for, aside from gas, which he helped pay for when he actually had money to do so. I pay for everything else regarding said car.


One of the tires had a couple of bulges in it. He pestered me to take it in and get it fixed or replaced, because it was potentially dangerous and could cause a blow-out at any time. This is reasonable. So I took it in today, and had it replaced. When I got home, he asked if they had looked at any of the other tires for issues as well. I said yes, it was mentioned that one of the tires was pretty low on tread and should be replaced soon. I opted not to, because I need to budget my expenses, because HELLOOO I'VE BEEN PAYING FOR EVERYTHING ON MY OWN FOR FOUR FUCKING MONTHS.


Anyway, he tells me, "Well, that doesn't really reassure me. I'd like to know that the car is safe to drive. Isn't safety an important enough reason to perhaps dip into your savings?"




Okay. Two things. 1) Regarding dipping into savings: What do you think I've been doing for the past four months in order to pay for all the daily bills and expenses? Something that should have never happened, because when you were close to running out of unemployment, you should have been busy looking for a job so that I wouldn't be stuck paying for everything on my own. 2) If you use the car as much as me, I should think that it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect you to help defray the costs of maintenance and repair of said car. What IS unreasonable is you expecting me to shoulder that entire burden on my own.




This can't go on for much longer, or I'm going to start shooting the walls. Or shooting someONE.