pipmer1 | Entries tagged with personal

Haven't posted here in an age.

Lots of internal stuff going on. Trying to make it all manifest into action.

Actions I've taken, or practical steps

1. Classes for Texas Master Naturalist
2. Kitties caught up on appointments
3. Slow but sure organizing/cleaning of apartment
4. Sat down and chatted with director, discussing goals and hopes
5. Updated driver's license
6. Met goal of working in vet room
7. Put effort into making home-cooked, nutritious meals
8. Some writing happening, including articles

I feel like I have a mood disorder, very much mood swings. Feel like I just need some kind of stabilizer to help take the edge off. Might make 1000 percent difference?

Still feel isolated.

Really need to send my resume to different places, apply for positions. Need a living wage to make ends meet. Need something that allows me to have access to medical care, and re-establish a retirement/savings plan. Those are the two major benefits needed. Others: paid time off (vacations/holidays, sick/family leave).

I've let so many things slip through the cracks, with no one to blame but myself. But I also have to believe that I can get back on track again, and make it better. Or at least go in the right direction, and make it better than it is right now.

So I deserve to be heard and to be validated just as much as the next person. I'm not asking for too much; I deserve to thrive in my life as much as the next person. So I keep being tempted to minimize my feelings and frustrations by telling myself to quit whining, to be grateful for what I have, and to shut up already.

But you know what? No. I'm just as human as the next person, which means my feelings and needs are just as valid as everyone else's. Feeling frustrated is not a sense of entitlement; it's the natural progression of being human and experiencing a lack of certain things that are ESSENTIAL for growth and well-being.

So this is me, crying out into the void. If no one is reading, or if I'm invisible, it really doesn't matter. This is me, this is what I'm feeling, and I'm posting about it on my own personal blog.

A happy birthday and best wishes go out to my friend

opaljade. I hope your day was filled with all good things, my dear! Enjoy, and spoil yourself if no one else does it for you :)

I’m sorry I’ve been MIA in more ways than one. I was offered a job (pay raise, promotion) in Houston TX. I currently reside in Grand Rapids, MI. They want me to start May 25. Needless to say I’m a bit nerve-wracked, anxiety-ridden and just all around distracted. Plus I have to have a hard conversation with my roommate of over 10 years. My gut has been churning non-stop.

Okay, remember how my office was supposed to have closed down by the end of last year? Well, we're still here, although nobody knows for how long. The uncertainty is a bit disconcerting, but at the same time there have been opportunities opening up all over the country.

SO....

I came back into work today after a week's vacation. The director of our site pulled me into his office, and asked me if I'd be interested in a job opportunity in Houston, Texas. There is no guarantee of anything, but *SQUEEEEE*!!!! This is the most validating news I have received in a long, long time, at least pertaining to my job/career.

I'm not sure if i'm more excited or scared.... and of course, on top of all that, there's no guarantee I'd even be offered anything. But still.

Current Mood: excited
Current Location: bedroom

I just found out about an hour ago that my office is closing here in Grand Rapids. It'll happen sometime between Nov. 1 and the end of the year.

It's not a tragic thing for me, since I've needed for quite some time to make major changes in my life. Without this to kick me in the ass, I may just have coasted forever just because it's easy and I'm a lazy person. I don't have a house payment anymore. Of course, I will miss all the people I've become friends with, and change is always hard. I just leased a brand new car a few weeks ago, but the old car I had was starting to rack up the repair bills anyway. Technically speaking, I do have a roommate who now has a very good full-time job, but I don't really count on that to ease things much since he has a history of not being financially reliable.

Just some good thoughts from you while I catch my breath, I suppose. Thanks in advance!

Just a bit of an update on things.

It occurred to me awhile ago that I haven't been bothered by my OCD in quite some time. Not just *not bothered*.. but actual absence of symptoms. Isn't it funny how I didn't notice the absence right away? It seems that I would have promptly noticed that I wasn't being bothered anymore by something that has given me such grief in the past. I suppose that if something just isn't there anymore, your focus is no longer drawn to *it* but to other things, thereby making its absence less noticeable. I don't even know if I'm making any sense :D

Anyway... it's quite a relief, for now. That's not to say I'm no longer anxious or insecure; in fact, those two things are now thrust into the forefront since my OCD is no longer there to mask it. But I feel like I have some sort of control over those, whereas I felt like such a victim of my OCD. So that's a good thing, I guess.

I can't quite figure out why the change. I'm not on any meds. I was in therapy for awhile, but I haven't been back for quite a few months now. I honestly don't know why. As a scientist, it's a bit unnerving because I would like to think there's some sort of connection somewhere, something that I'm doing or something in my environment that's causing it. I don't like randomness, because that implies lack of control, which i HATE. I'd like to know if it's something I'm doing so that I can *continue* doing it. Otherwise, I'm at the mercy of fate's whims, which makes me very uneasy. I *do* know that I started feeling relief back when I resumed therapy again. But I discontinued that, so... I don't know.

Anyway, please drop me a line, I'd love to hear from you.

I don't know if anyone reads what I post here other than fic, but here's a bit of self-reflection anyway. Half the time I feel like I don't have anything of importance or interest to share; however, I need to feel as if I'm actually participating in life, so I hope someone will engage.

( Read more... )

My roommate finally has a job, after two years of being unemployed, and four months after running out of said unemployment.

We share a car. MY car, which I pay for everything for, aside from gas, which he helped pay for when he actually had money to do so. I pay for everything else regarding said car.

One of the tires had a couple of bulges in it. He pestered me to take it in and get it fixed or replaced, because it was potentially dangerous and could cause a blow-out at any time. This is reasonable. So I took it in today, and had it replaced. When I got home, he asked if they had looked at any of the other tires for issues as well. I said yes, it was mentioned that one of the tires was pretty low on tread and should be replaced soon. I opted not to, because I need to budget my expenses, because HELLOOO I'VE BEEN PAYING FOR EVERYTHING ON MY OWN FOR FOUR FUCKING MONTHS.

Anyway, he tells me, "Well, that doesn't really reassure me. I'd like to know that the car is safe to drive. Isn't safety an important enough reason to perhaps dip into your savings?"

Okay. Two things. 1) Regarding dipping into savings: What do you think I've been doing for the past four months in order to pay for all the daily bills and expenses? Something that should have never happened, because when you were close to running out of unemployment, you should have been busy looking for a job so that I wouldn't be stuck paying for everything on my own. 2) If you use the car as much as me, I should think that it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect you to help defray the costs of maintenance and repair of said car. What IS unreasonable is you expecting me to shoulder that entire burden on my own.

This can't go on for much longer, or I'm going to start shooting the walls. Or shooting someONE.

Hey, hey! I actually do still own this journal.

Just wanted to check in on folks, if anybody still hangs out around here. Drop me a comment and let me know what's up in your lives. Or email me, or something.

Work: holy cow, this is a tangled web. About two weeks ago we all came into work on Monday, to find out 15 people had been let go, including my supervisor's boyfriend, with whom she has three kids and a mortgage. All full time employees (including me) had their hours cut from 40 to 36 hours per week. And the 3:30 to midnight shift I've been working for over a decade? Next week it changes to noon to eight p.m.

And all full-time temps had to either switch to part-time (25 hours a week) or be reassigned. What the bloody...... what?

So yeah. Things at work right now are kinda tense.

In other news, therapy is going really really well. I have all sorts of tools at my disposal, and am finally motivated enough to make use of them. Go me!

Take care, everyone. Until next time... which might be after season 3 airs :P

Love, Deb

My friend

prettybirdy979 wrote me an awesome fic, which you can find here . It's a take on the Three Garridebs, which is my absolute favourite kind of Sherlock fic. Go read, and shower her with praise.

Also, if there is anyone on my flist (or anyone else who visits this journal, unlikely as it may be) who still doesn't have an AO3 account, I have several to give away. PM me your email address and I'll send one to you.

That is all.