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[personal profile] pipmer1
I don't know if anyone reads what I post here other than fic, but here's a bit of self-reflection anyway. Half the time I feel like I don't have anything of importance or interest to share; however, I need to feel as if I'm actually participating in life, so I hope someone will engage.

I turn 50 the end of this month, and I'm feeling the urge to forge a  new path in life, to create a reality I actually want instead of just coasting along in one in which I'm not thriving.  Many people compare this endeavor to closing a chapter on the old life, and starting a new chapter afresh.  But it struck me today how flawed this analogy can be.

Think about it.  In order to turn the page and start a new chapter, one has to build on all that has come before.  The previous chapters can't be invalidated; they're all part of the same story.  Chapters in life are never stand-alones.  The story won't make sense if a new chapter immediately veers off into an entirely new direction.  And a weak or plothole-ridden backstory won't be saved by an entirely new writing style that comes out of nowhere.  Putting the past behind you?  Is that really possible?  What's come before has made us who we are, like it or not.  I'm who I am because of my past.  The choices I've made, the behaviors I've exhibited.... they make up the person that I am.  But what if I want to be somebody else?  Is that even possible?  Or do I need to accept who I am, even if I'm not satisfied with that?  If I'm not happy with the foundation I've built - with the chapters I've already written - then how can I move on and create newer, better chapters?

I feel like everything's such a mess, that it will just take so much effort to clean up my mistakes, that it would be so much more satisfying to just start completely over with a blank slate.  But would that just be running away from my problems, instead of owning up to them?

I'm just not sure.  Maybe someone has some words of wisdom?  Or at least of commiseration?

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November 2015

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